The following post was made to the Gnome Family Security Council on November 17th, 2016. Since that date, no successful attacks have been carried out on Gnome Soil, though conflicts with the feline anarcho-facist front continue to this day.
Gentlefolk of the security council, this emergency meeting is called to address the incident that occurred at 0500 hours this morning. Cleanup and recovery are underway, and we just now have enough forensic data to put together what may have happened.
Five minutes before the incident, members of the feline anarcho-facist front approached the storage facility (hereafter referred to as “the nightstand”) of a pressurized container of hazardous waste (hereafter referred to as “a thermos full of rotten milk”). A cleanup plan was in place to address the waste material, but we underestimate the rate of decay and the rapidity with which the waste became not only toxic, but pressurized. Furthermore, the department responsible was asleep, because it was five in the goddamn morning.
An unidentified agent of this nefarious group gained control of the waste material. We are not yet certain if the end goal was to safely gain access to the contents (whether for consumption or other purposes) or if weaponization was the immediate objective. Either way, this agent dropped the package. Due to the toxic fumes building up within, the containment device was breached. This caused an explosive decompression, spreading the toxic material throughout the facility (hereafter referred to as “the bedroom”).
Victims in the blast area report hearing a loud crack followed by something wet hitting their faces, followed by a smell one victim described as “The fetid rot of the devil’s buttcrack.” Reaction to the attack was slow, as it was, in fact, five in the goddamn morning, but once first responders were able to survey the scene (by turning on the lights) it became evident that the blast radius was far worse than realized. To quote one responder, “There were chocolate rotten milk curds on the bed, on the pillows, on the floor, on the closet, on the clothes in the closet, on the door, on the walls, on the ceiling–how did it even get on the ceiling? WHY IS IT ON THE CEILING?!?”
Immediately after triage the administration made the decision to evacuate the premises, calling this “A chemical attack by an unruly and ungrateful rogue organization.” Clean up crews arrived on the scene to scrub the waste material from nearby surfaces and quarantine clothing that had been exposed. The area has been declared off limits to all feline citizens, in a move condemned by CASWDL (cats against stuff we don’t like) activists as “Mrrow? Mrrow? Mrrow! MMmmrrrrow!”
The worst aftereffects of the chemical attacks have passed, but until heavy duty cleaning agents are deployed to neutralize any remaining toxic residue, the area is unusable and not suitable for habitation. Even our dog won’t go in there because it “reeks like a colony of skunks had a coke-fueled orgy before spontaneously dying of ebola and being left in a sauna for a week.” The administration has promised to restore functionality and living standards in the area.
That is all we have to announce at this time. We will not be discussing the controversial new Rotten Milk Act of 2016 or any possible counter measures taken against the anarcho-facist feline front. The only remaining statement from the administration is that “Cats are assholes” and “this sucks.” Thank you for your time.